diamond in distress

Does pressure create diamonds? 

Or does it create deranged women? 

Lately I’ve been reflecting a lot on the patterns that seem to recur in my life. Cycles that rule the ebbs and flows of my own energy and state of mind. 

One of my points of self-reflection has been around my tendency to avoid my own emotions – not an easy feat for a water sign with a flurry of feelings constantly flicking through my mind like a movie on 10x speed. I’ve always had a firm conviction that my emotions, while at times annoying to deal with, have been nothing but beneficial to me at the end of the day. After all, how does one even develop emotional intelligence without actually confronting their own emotions? 

Things changed over the years - I think I’ve developed a habit of deferring dealing with emotions or distracting myself from confronting them head-on for fear of getting off track. This became ever-so prevalent in my adult life. I had developed a toxic mentality of prioritizing professional progress over personal. I wanted to think like a man to succeed like one. If they can easily shut off their feelings to keep their focus, why couldn’t I? 

Looking back, I think this mentality was born out of a twisted interpretation of the life lessons I’ve gleaned from my maternal lineage, which consists of several strong women defined by their ability to transcend life’s many challenges. Women who hustled through the hurt and never allowed themselves to be bogged down by their sentiments. 

The person I admire the most in this life is my mother – a bold, self-assured Lebanese-American woman whose strength is rooted in her endurance of the various pressures of growing up in a society that demonizes her people and in a culture that degrades its women. A prime example of a diamond born from immense pressure. 

This persistence was passed along to her through her bloodline. Her grandmother made history as a leader within the Lebanese Women’s Rights Committee and a champion of the people, leading several demonstrations in the name of expanding women’s rights, providing refuge for the many civilians impacted by a heinous civil war, and advocating for labor unions and all working class citizens, all around the world. 

Her work and legacy have been documented in a biography written in her honor by a friend and fellow fighter who described her as such: 

“My friend Jourieh, in addition to her beauty and elegance, was characterized by a spirit of love and radiance, a constant smile, and unparalleled kindness. Loved by most of those who knew her…she excelled, struggled silently, responsibly and seriously, and carried out her duties fully…she was and still is one of the most prominent activists, demanding rights, not only for women but for human beings.”

So, as you can probably infer, I have some pretty big heels to fill. 

Reading about all of the epic achievements and heroic feats my great grandmother has achieved in her lifetime definitely dwarfed any problems I’d perceived to plague my own life. I mean, if she literally survived a war and risked her life for the sake of others, how was I going to make it if I couldn’t take the comparatively trivial pressures of my own life? If I kept dwelling over the little things, I would become deranged, perhaps. 

Looking back at my lineage definitely made me feel pressured to carry the legacy forward - if I did not grow up to become a badass, I’ve failed. 

As an adult, I feel I’ve developed a much deeper understanding of the women in my family. They are undeniably forces to be reckoned with, always supporting others over themselves. They are diamonds that still feel pressure to provide. 

And I’ve learned that you can’t expect to fill other people’s glasses when yours is empty. 

I realized sustained strength is really fueled by self-awareness. I needed to be able to recognize when I needed to process things, no matter how big or small they seemed, so that I was not ever at risk of blowing up or burning out.

I was not going to honor my roots and create my own legacy by neglecting my own needs. The women in my family faced conditions that forced them to prioritize survival above anything else. This caused them to become roses with thorns, always on the defensive and effortlessly self-sufficient. I’ve navigated my life in a similar way - always pushing forward, never looking back. 

But sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses.

Now that I am becoming a full-fledged adult and I am able to provide more for myself, I am starting to really focus on cultivating my femininity in a way that truly allows me to thrive. The reality of it was, no matter how safe and confident I felt in having everything under my own control and always planning next steps, this was no way to really LIVE. Living life one day at a time became monotonous, and I felt mechanic: A robot with tunnel vision. 

Feminine energy can be so passionate and intense, and one thing I’ve learned to love about this energy is the ease with which it moves about spaces, radiating love and light. The feminine is known to be soft, emotional, nurturing…but, at the same time, modern-day society has made us feel like we can’t truly be comfortable in that energy. This is why so many of us have our guards up. We are scared of losing control, getting hurt, or both. 

So I’ve had to seek out that safety in other ways. I created a safe space for myself, within myself. I started writing down my thoughts and emotions more and learning how to self-soothe when things got a little too intense. I started taking more time to myself. And, as a result, I got to know myself — my strengths, my weaknesses, but, most importantly, what I needed to thrive. 

As I began to get more confident with my level of self-awareness, I was then inclined to open up more to others. I relied on my support system to keep me sane. I asked questions and exchanged ideas, thinking out loud with the ones I love as I pondered the many many challenging crises that come with being in your early twenties. 

Since I’ve last written anything here, a lot has changed. I’ve learned more about myself. I’ve allowed myself to be deeply emotional (albeit melodramatic, at times). I fell in love. I became more vulnerable. Softer. Open. And, much to my surprise, I was okay. I got up when I fell down too hard and allowed myself to melt into my feminine energy when I needed it, taking a break from living exclusively in the masculine which relied on a hyper-focus on staying busy, stimulated. 

Having altered my system of processing things, I no longer feel as overwhelmed by my waves of emotions bubbling up from the depths of where I was used to shoving them away for so long. I know that the only way to move forward is to confront my internal battles and take them as signposts, showing me the path forward on my journey to figuring out who I am as a woman. 

So, yes, I guess, at the end of the day, pressure will create a diamond. 

I just need to trust the process. This is all part of the plot. 

And this season is panning out to be real interesting so far…

More updates to come ;)

xoxo

لغز