men are from mars, women are from venus
I find I enjoy the seemingly universal experience of talking to other women about men. There’s something so freeing about the camaraderie that comes with raving about all of the things we love about them while simultaneously venting about all of the things they do that drive us crazy.
The head nodding, raised eyebrows, occasional wide-eyed gasps, the affirmation and advice. I love it all. At the end of the day, no matter what the situation or relationship status is, we get each other and share the same highlights and gripes when it comes to the opposite sex.
As a woman in my twenties, I have found the most difficult thing about learning how to love is learning how to love myself first. Cheesy and cliche, yes, but there is truth to this. Contrary to my former belief system, I’ve learned that true love is not supposed to be about doing anything and everything for your person in order to earn their love, but it is about a mutual effort to cater to each other's specific love languages. Most of loving yourself consists of identifying your own love language and the boundaries you come with, voicing and reinforcing these needs with partners when necessary to show them how to love you best. This requires you to prioritize loving yourself in order to better love someone else.
In college, I read a book recommended by a girlfriend, entitled Why Men Love Bitches, a manifesto for all women seeking a fix-all for dealing with the difficulties of dating men. The mantra of the book was all about how to transform oneself “from doormat to dreamgirl!!” – after all, who would want to be the former?
In summary, the book is an amalgamation of various principles or ‘rules’ that emphasize how women need to uphold their boundaries and ensure the men in their life abide by them in order to assert their own worth. The term ‘bitch’ is used to demonstrate how these self-respecting qualities possessed by women may be perceived as ‘spiteful’ or ‘selfish’ by certain men who are not ready to handle them. These types of men resort to projecting their own insecurities onto women who know their worth in an effort to humble or control them.
The juxtaposition of the doormat to the dreamgirl is used to further characterize this dynamic, as the ‘doormat’ persona exemplifies what happens when women instead try to compromise their boundaries to appear more desirable by men who end up meeting them right where they are.
Attraction principle #6: It’s your attitude about yourself that men will adopt.
A serial people pleaser, college me found the book to serve as a wake up call, prompting me to stop being a “yes girl” and start standing my ground, no matter how delulu I was about the men I was after. After a series of experiences making grandiose gestures and being overly available to men I desired, I realized that these behaviors would not make me a dream girl in their eyes at all. Instead, I was setting myself up to be someone else’s doormat. And that’s exactly what happened.
That’s until I’d had enough of the bullshit.
Attraction principle #9: If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else.
Of course, this change did not happen overnight, and, at times, I still find myself struggling to balance my own needs with those of people I love most. This is something I’ve given myself grace for, as I know healing is not about advancing past issues, but it is about continuously revisiting them to reflect on and work through them as they resurface at different stages of my life.
I went from a spiteful and slightly jaded single to a woman in love with being in love. Although my relationship dynamics and perspectives have evolved over the years, I am still the same lover girl I always was at my core. The only difference was I started to nurture her myself instead of looking to others to accept, love, and heal her. It was only then that she felt safe enough to emerge again.
Attraction principle #44: Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.
Funnily enough, Why Men Love Bitches was recently brought up again over drinks with the girls. My friend (who happens to be happily engaged) advocated for the book as a necessary read for reframing one’s mindset around dating and relationships, claiming it worked for her and got her to where she is in her long-term relationship. She is someone who I’ve observed to be very comfortable and clear with voicing her needs and asserting herself with her partner, so it was no surprise to me that she leveraged the principles stated in the book to establish a successful relationship built on mutual respect.
Attraction principle #20: He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner.
This particular girlfriend is someone who recently came into my life. We bonded over our similar relationship dynamics and loud personalities which require extra TLC to keep engaged. By observing how she is able to maintain and maximize her own personality and pleasure in life while intertwined with the life of her future spouse, I became more confident in my ability to balance my own needs with those of my partner’s in the long run. After experiencing a past relationship in which I intentionally dimmed my own light to accommodate an insecure partner who couldn’t handle the heat, I knew that I wanted and needed more. I eventually freed myself by walking away and providing myself with the kind of life and love I’d always needed. I made myself the standard of excellence, making it all the more difficult for men to meet the bar I’d set.
Attraction principle #45: A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life because she is content with it.
A few weeks ago, I went over to a close friend’s house to get ready for the premiere of Beyoncé’s new movie, Renaissance. I’ve known them since college and they are a pseudo-older sibling to me. We’ve seen and supported each other through a slew of interesting and infuriating dating experiences alike. As we got ready, they caught me up on the latest on their love life, describing each character and experience in vivid detail as they went down their list of pros and cons associated with each (yes, they’re a Virgo, in case you were wondering).
“So, I’ve decided that I am going to be Venus,” they stated, matter-of-factly, as they concluded their recount.
They went on to unpack this statement, noting that they aim to be intentional about the way they carry themself and engage with anyone who enters their life. Per Roman mythology, Venus is known as the goddess of love and beauty. They aim to emulate this energy by embracing their own beauty and loving energy, ideally attracting what they exude, naturally.
“Venus is fluid, like water. Gentle, yet chaotic. I’m tapping into my Venus charm and beauty, my femininity. I do not have to be the fiery Mars. I am desirable and the perfect embodiment of feminine beauty. Venus does not chase. Venus is catered to. Venus is heard. Anything that deviates from that, is not worth my time.”
I was floored. This was exactly the epiphany I needed. A common theme I’ve also been exploring in this stage of my life is balancing my own masculine and feminine energies, characterized by those of Mars and Venus, respectively.
To clarify, ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ energies are not gendered terms, strictly ascribed to men or women specifically, but they accentuate the duality within people - the yin and the yang. To be in love is to coexist in perfect harmony with another individual by way of balancing these energies. Men themselves possess feminine energy, but play up the masculine to conceal this when they feel it is threatened. This internal dissonance is what leads to a disconnect between men and women, making it seem as though we are from different planets entirely.
Attraction principle #34: When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.
This principle was one that I was skeptical of when I’d first read it. As a woman who is hyper-independent and rather assertive, I thought, “Why would I want to be with someone who can’t handle me when things get heated?” However, after putting some more thought into it, I realized the principle was more so about being secure in one's own energy.
If I felt insecure in a relationship, I would be more likely to embody the fiery Mars, aggressively asserting myself before my partner. On the other hand, a secure dynamic would result in me being comfortable enough to let down my walls and receive love and care, being catered to the way Venus would, thus embracing my divine feminine. This does not necessarily mean I have to forego my fiery nature, but, rather, I can allow my masculine and feminine energies to coexist within me, promoted by a partner that provides a safe enough environment for me to explore all my elements.
We may be from different planets, but we comprise the same galaxy. We have more in common than meets the eye. All we want is to be loved on our own terms.
Love is a game and we’re all players. Depending on how you play, one person’s bitch is another person’s soulmate.
