The Trainwreck 20s

In the world of heartbreak, the words “I’m feeling chaotic” could imply a few things: (a) a controversial text was about to be sent, (b) a move was about to be made and/or (c) an excessive amount of tequila shots would be consumed promptly followed by an emotional breakdown in the Uber. 

Ironically enough, around the same time I was going through the brunt of my post-breakup healing process, a few of my close friends had also either been going through tough breakups or navigating fresh relationships. A lot of change was going down between us all. Change that led to several chaotic nights prompted by the above statement. 

I am well aware that healing is by no means a linear process, but it is so much easier to be self-aware than to be self-improving. There were several instances where I felt more inclined to give up on patience and surrender myself to the throes of bad habits and self-imposed chaos. 

I found that the more I tried to establish some form of control over my life, my attempts would be followed by waves of disorientation. I began to realize that the only way to win this game and come out fully healed was to let go - a near-impossible feat for a self-proclaimed Type A control freak like myself. 

I struggled to find myself amidst the rubble, constantly falling into patterns of attachment and self-sacrifice which further exacerbated my codependent tendencies. I had to first break the cycle in order to begin any type of healing.

So I decided to change the narrative. 

Rather than view my healing process as a burden, I began to view my current lack of a sense of self as an opportunity to establish a new, evolved self. It was after this change of mentality that I was able to clearly view the reason behind why I struggled to assert my own boundaries in so many of my relationships: I had a tendency to lose myself in the people I love.

Allow me to explain in the language I know best: Theatre kid.

Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew is a comic play featuring the dynamic between two key characters, Petruchio and Katherine, which I will use to exemplify my own situation. Petruchio seeks to marry a wealthy woman for a generous dowry, not caring much about what she may look like or how she is as a person. Katherine, though from a well-respected family, is known to be an ill-tempered, stubborn woman with no suitors. Petruchio takes it upon himself to “tame” Katherine and subdue her into obeying his every will. Eventually, even Katherine begins to lose her will to fight and ends up a docile, obedient wife by the end of the play.

Now this is not to say I experienced this exact situation. Rather, I identify with Katherine’s struggle to maintain her sense of self and preserve her own unapologetic grit. Throughout some of my significant relationships, I have found that I would gradually lose my sense of self in a tireless effort to cater to the other person’s needs and demands. This is primarily a fault of my own that I had to work to recognize and reflect on for my own growth, but this tendency also made it a lot easier for people to preside power over me. 

The shrew had been tamed. 

But I had learned how to rig the game. 

I began to leverage my points of weakness to drive my strength. I found that the best way to ride the waves of chaos and order was to fully embrace them as an integral part of my healing process. I focused on my relationship with myself, gradually building trust and beginning to feel like I would get myself through whatever may come my way. 

This, I realized, was - for lack of a better word - the “shrew mindset” that I needed. It was my persistence and faith in myself and the process that led me to fight for my fire again. I needed to accept myself as I was, no matter how underdeveloped and flawed, and that’s where the real power lies. Katherine sure knew what she was doing by scaring all the men away, huh? 

By unapologetically expressing and embracing myself, I was able to turn myself into a walking toxic man repellent, detoxing my life from those who tried to dim my light and, in turn, rolling out the red carpet for a bounty of green flags to come. 

There’s something intoxicatingly sexy about a woman who knows her worth and wouldn’t dare grant anyone a discount. She may be called a bitch, a brat and everything in between for asserting her value as a non-negotiable figure in a world of hagglers trying to strike a good deal. However, these reactions are only a testament to her undeniable power. 

I envision that woman so vividly I now live out every day in an effort to embody her essence. Eventually, I hope to wake up as her. 

A shrew untamed. 

Here’s to causing havoc,

Enigma