We’ve agreed.

The key to a good negotiation lies in the ability of both parties to mutually maximize their value-creating options, or “expand the pie”, as was taught in my negotiation class – yes, I took a class on negotiation and, yes, I am a total B school snob for that, but HEAR ME OUT!!

I’ve surprisingly learned not only valuable tips on how to negotiate like a literal shark, but I also learned some really valuable lessons pertaining to relationships. Specifically, power dynamics within relationships. 

Every week, we were assigned a case to review ahead of time and prepare our position and points accordingly. We would then pair up with other students in the class on the day of the negotiation and duke it out until we came to some form of agreement, or didn’t. 

Some were accommodating. Some were too demanding. Some invested their whole heart and soul into the role play of it all. Most just wanted to pass the class. 

As I began to engage in more and more of these exercises, I began to realize this whole thing really did boil down to a science. There were ways to push just enough so that the other party recognizes your bargaining power, but not too much so that they no longer feel an agreement could be reached between you.

It was all a game of strategy. Everything, down to the way you moved and where you chose to sit in the meeting room, was tactical. It made me super self-conscious, but not necessarily in a bad way. Rather, I began to hyper-analyze the way I conducted, communicated and carried myself. 

Funny thing was that I also found this to mirror my experiences with love and dating.

When it came to the men who existed or entered into my life, I found I began to strategize my every approach with them just as I would in preparing for a high-stakes negotiation. 

Alexa, play “Trust Issues” by Drake.

No, but seriously. It is very real and, frankly, I’m not alone. So many of my friends and other women I’d spoken to about love and relationships had similar experiences across the board when guys would leave them uncertain of their true intentions. Poor communication and mixed signals were, more often than not, the culprits of this, leaving both parties on the defensive. It became a game of strategy, and we women often try to play along in hopes of winning. 

But you can’t beat a man at his own game.

So what is the real solution, then? I’ll tell you: 

Don’t play. 

What I realized was that, while relationships definitely involved some sort of compromise between both individuals, they should not be rooted in a power struggle. The need I felt for power and control were defense mechanisms that came out in times of doubt and distress. I had been conditioned to think this way based on my life experiences.

So yeah, I am a self-proclaimed member of “toxic relationship survivors anonymous”, standing in solidarity with several other jaded women. These types of relationships would make me more inclined to second guess my every move rather than feel I could organically express myself. But, by engaging in the strategic power play of it all, I was only succumbing to the cycle and allowing it to continue at my own expense. 

There was no winning the game. 

Despite the strategic element and undeniable power dynamics involved, the most successful negotiations I’d had were the ones in which I’d made the effort to build trust with the other party. This allowed us to then collectively work towards an outcome that would mutually benefit us both. This was the main takeaway for me when it came to relationships beyond the professional realm as well. 

I mean, shouldn’t love be all about working together despite differences rather than against each other? 

Um, yeah. You would think. 

One of the biggest lessons I’d learned from that negotiation class was the importance of picking your battles. Some exercises were even designed so that no agreement could reasonably be reached. This was a hard pill to swallow for me as someone who likes to fight all my battles head on. 

But I was doing it all wrong. I was draining myself by trying to constantly prove my love through fixing every issue that came up in my relationships, even when the problem was not mine to solve. While I had been attempting to master “the game” this whole time, I didn't even recognize the best strategy I could leverage: the ability to walk away. 

And something that's non-negotiable for me is my own self, sanity and success.

I didn’t have to play the game. I could easily veto a love contract lined with loopholes. 

After all, who likes a rigged game? 

Xoxo,

Enigma